I'm not sure when was the last time I had a break to be able to think clearly. It was a pleasure for me to apply for a free weekend out of HK to spend some time on my private life, after nearly 2 years of non-stopped teaching.
It was enjoyable yet challenging before I started teaching full-time: freelance jobs plus a few students to teach, a production ends and another production begins (without even noticing), earning a little bit income barely enough for me to support my own life living with my family didn't even seems to be a problem to me, because I was enjoying my life back then, yet the challenges was to keep my mind & view open for frequently changing working environment with different acting company. Soon my Dad announced his retirement, which made me nervous & tense in just a second, knowing that I have to start supporting my family by sufficient & stable income immediately, and that I didn't (and still don't) have a lot of choices of what to do (I thought I should've tried my very best to get my Bachelor Degree by that moment, although it really wasn't that case, except that it could really provide me more choices of jobs), I then turned myself into a full-time lecturer, but I tried hard to have saved a little bit of time out of teaching, to kept taking my own piano lessons with my teacher, because I could only feel free and kept my mind inspired with an atmosphere of learning, or an environment which kept changing, stimulating my mind, to keep myself awake and balanced.
I wasn't and still am not someone who like to think in one way, I know how I should behave, yet the marvelous thing about this world, to me, is that we are all born different, we think and act originally as who we are, which make this world full of unlimited sights for me to kept exploring and learning, just like the life I had before teaching. Through these years being a lecturer, plus a short period of time going to church quite often, I've been shaped without being willing to, my thoughts is now perhaps a decade older than I am (LOL). Although knowing the value which are true, and which lasts forever, helps me knowing my own value, teaching, guiding young ones a lot, yet, it's shaping (and perhaps trapping?) me into a stronger image, the feeling of I need to get out of this grows stronger at the same time. When the stable feeling grows stronger, I feel unsafe, as I used to be, like when I was working on different productions in the past. It's probably because I still want my mind to be inspired, awake, by keep learning, I need to keep myself exposed in various situations, to know that I'm balancing well enough.
This is one of the reason why I wanted to leave the place I've been living in for too long, to let myself grow in another way which I can't imagine I will have to, to experience unknown situation no matter fear, uncertainty, unimaginable things occurs and let myself grow in another way instead of standing firmly with unchanged values, without knowing the unknown force I'm being shaped by, living in a "standard" way.
"Life isn't always beautiful, but the struggles make you stronger, the changes makes you wiser." and if I'm going to a beautiful place with culture that I love, an ambition to train my language skill, although some nasty behavior of foreigners and the stinky Ginkgo trees… local snacks with bad smell… It's the change of my living environment, the change of me I'm looking forward to.
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